Jokes are for Smiles

Esquire jokes from beautiful women. It’s great way to brighten up your day.

Gillian Jacobs : A tourist couple driving through La Jolla start arguing about how to pronounce the name of the town. So they stop for lunch, and while they’re ordering, they ask the cashier, “Can you tell us where we are? How do you pronounce it?” The employee replies, speaking slowly, “Burrrr-gerrrrr Kiiiiiiiing.”

Jessica Lucas : An old married couple had four boys. The older three had red hair and light skin, the youngest had black hair and dark eyes. On his deathbed, the father turned to his wife and said, “Honey, be honest with me. Is our youngest son my child?” The wife replied, “I swear on everything holy, he is your son.” Then he passed away. The wife then said, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”

Jessica Stroup : A cruise ship passes a small desert island. Everyone watches as a ratty-looking bearded man runs out on the beach and starts shouting and waving his hands.

“Who’s that?” asks one of the passengers.

“I have no idea,” replies the captain. “But every year we sail past and he goes nuts.”

Shantel VanSanten : A guy is sitting on his sofa when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock at the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says, “What the hell was that all about?”

Anna Friel : What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotopus.

Anne Hathaway : This woman walks into a bar, and she has the hairiest armpits in the history of armpits. She sits down, raises her arm, and says, “Bartender, I would like a drink.” There’s an old drunk sitting next to her. Slurring, he says, “Barkeep, I would like to buy the ballerina a drink.” She accepts, drinks it, raises her arm again to get the bartender’s attention, and orders another. The old man says, “Barkeep, you just keep giving the ballerina anything she wants.” Finally, the bartender goes over to the drunk and says, “Sir, that’s nice of you, but how do you know she’s a ballerina?” The old man answers, “Son, you don’t get to be my age without learning that only ballerinas can lift their legs that high.”

Marié Digby : Two muffins go into an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “Hey, man, does it feel like it’s getting hotter in here to you?”

The other muffin says, “Holy shit — a talking muffin!”

Noa Tishby : A pirate walks into a bar with a ship’s wheel on his penis. The bartender says to him, “You know you’ve got a ship’s wheel on your penis?” And the pirate says, “Argh, I know. It drives me nuts.”

Gretchen Mol : Why should you never tell a joke while ice fishing?

Because the ice will crack up.

Maria Menounos : Joe and his buddy Frank visit a brothel. Joe goes into the room with the prostitute first while Frank waits outside. When he’s done, Joe closes the door behind him and says, “Don’t waste your time, man. My wife’s better.” But Frank goes in anyway. When he emerges 15 minutes later, he shakes his head in disappointment and says, “Damn, Joe, you were right. Your wife is better.”

Kristen Bell : This old lady is feeling kind of lonely, so she says, “You know what? I’m going to pick up some guys.” She takes off all her clothes, puts a trench coat on, and walks into a bar. She sees three young guys drinking. She walks up to the first, opens her trench coat, and says, “Super sex!” He screams, “Oh, my God, that’s disgusting!” and runs away. She walks up to the second guy, opens her trench coat, and says, “Super sex!” He runs to the bathroom to throw up. She approaches the third guy, opens her trench coat, and says, “Super sex!” He looks her up and down and says, “I’ll have the soup.”

Rose McGowan : Walking home after a girls’ night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman’s husband phones the second woman’s husband, furious: “My wife came home last night without her panties!” “That’s nothing,” says the other. “Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, ‘From all of us at the fire station, we’ll never forget you.’

Keri Russell : A guy sees a sign that says, “Volunteers needed for medical experiment. $500 fee!” So he goes in and they tell him they need humans to mate with gorillas. The guy thinks about it for a second, then says, “I’ll do it under three conditions: 1) No one can find out that I did this. 2) If there are any offspring, they should be treated humanely. 3) I’m gonna need some time to come up with the $500.’”

Odette Yustman : A guy walks into a doctor’s office with a duck on his head. The doctor asks, “Can I help you?” The duck says, “Yeah, get this guy off my ass.”

Gabrielle Union : What has 75 balls and screws old ladies? Bingo

Kelli Garner : What did the banana say to the vibrator? “What are you shakin’ for? She’s gonna eat me.”

Maggie Grace : Two guys, Jimmy and Johnny, stand at heaven’s gate, waiting to be interviewed by Saint Peter.

Jimmy: “How did you get here?”

Johnny: “Hypothermia. You?”

Jimmy: “You won’t believe it. I thought my wife was cheating on me, so I came home early one day, hoping to catch the guy. I accused her of being unfaithful and searched the entire house without any luck. Then, I felt so horrible about the whole thing that I had a massive heart attack.”

Johnny: “Oh, man. If you’d only checked the walk-in freezer, we’d both be alive.”

Vanessa Ferlito : One night a man rolls over in bed, giving his wife a big grin. She says, “Not tonight, honey. I have a gynecologist’s appointment tomorrow. I want to stay fresh and clean.” The man, feeling rejected, rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls over again and asks his wife, “Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow?”

Anita Briem : Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, “Funny, I smell carrots, too.”

Elisha Cuthbert : There’s a bear and a rabbit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says, “Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?” And the rabbit goes, “No.” So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Nadine Velazquez : A shy guy goes into a bar, sees a beautiful woman, and says, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”

She responds by yelling, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”

Completely embarrassed, he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. I’m a psych student studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean, $200?”

Maggie Q : Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought, one man blurts out, “Make the entire ocean into beer!” The genie claps her hands and the entire sea turns into brew. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish. After a long, tension-filled moment, he says, “Nice going! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”

Minka Kelly : A famous cardiologist died, and everyone was gathered at his funeral. His coffin was displayed in front of a huge model heart. When the minister finished his sermon and everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment, one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked, “Why are you laughing?” The mourner said, “Well, I was just thinking about my own funeral.” The man asked, “Well, what’s so funny about that?” And the mourner said, “I’m a gynecologist.”

You Are {beau.ti.ful}

Some days when you see a pretty smile, your heart smiles quietly. The 3 big things in life are very much dedicated from the relationship between you and others and also you and God. Recently I read Jenna Lucado’s “Redefining {beau.ti.ful}” observing not the classic relationship between a daughter and her mother. But instead it realizes the lovely relationship of a daughter and her daddy. Things to look at; how she looks at herself, how she look at others and how she looks at God are some of the things taught in the book. It makes you realize the essentials of life. Not just the latest gadgets, fashion wear or billboard music. People can influence you in many different ways; good or bad, we’re affected either way. It is good to trace back the purity of our origin; like our culture or even a simple Q: Where was your grandfather from? Have you ever wonder where all your past generations were? How did you arrive where you are now? Lately, I’ve  learnt so much about my ancestors and to tell you the truth, it took me a long ride into the past.

One quick question, do you…?

a)      “No, thanks.” What’s the point? They won’t like me anyway. Just try hard to impress them.

b)      “I’m okay with anything…” I’m a people pleaser, I’d rather avoid any conflict to gain more friends.

c)       “F” Nooooooo…. I have a failure-phobia.

d)      “Try this on… Go on..” Do I look good in this? Hmmmm…

I’m a little of everything. I know this may be a little unfair, but I really do try hard sometimes to please others so they’d like me. But there are times I’d just say a big “O.K” when they ask me “Is it okay if I get a ride from you?” Although it might seem a bit rude to say no, but that’s what friends are for. Who is not scared of seeing the big “F”? Definitely it is one of the most influential satisfaction that you have willingly set out to achieve. It may be as little as throwing a crunched paper into the bin to passing your final exam that determines your career and life. Finally, looks is a very sensitive area. Having to go through the many yo-yo diets and the ups and downs when stepping onto the scales, there were many quiet screams (and swearing) when I see the gained kgs/lbs. Being adventurous in food has its pros and cons. Experiences are treasures of the past and memories for the future.

1095 days of IA sistas

And what is our secret of staying together in these 1095 days?

Each other. People say when you find someone you can confide in, you trust them. Believe it or not, it is these days that made me realise how much I’ve gone through during the past 3 years. I’ve always wished I could have a friend like you. You’re a true friend.

Summer Holidays Is Here

Finally, this year’s end of year’s party was so hipped! The theme was 50s, 60s & 70s. Great to see what everyone came up with. Although a number of people didn’t turn up, we enjoyed solely by ourselves lol We had food, games & great decor by Agnes, Dewi, Kim and Roy. Fusion of the era’s music and costumes, the aura was mesmerizing. Though everyone cleaned up & adjourn by 10+pm, the girls and I had another party to attend to. Metro City! Yes, it’s clubbing. To 3 of us, it was our first time stepping into such intimate yet heart pumping zone. Tried our first shots, felt awesome! I used to think that clubbing was an “impurity”, but after all the dancing and glancing, it has changed my perspective of viewing this popular hobby as a past time that keeps you alive. It really did keep me alive during the wee hours (though 2Am is still early).

This all happened last week, but it didn’t stop any of us to feel the WANT to go again. Yes, our feet hurt but once you step into this really upbeat and full-house zone, you wouldn’t care less about anything else. Just dance! Now I’ve started wondering, why didn’t I start such hobby much earlier when I got here. It’s a world of fun when summer holiday is here.

Dearest Papa

When I was 2 1/2 years old.

Papa is my teacher. I would always get excited when he arrives home after work, because I know that I will learn something new or enjoy my time. Although he used to work until late at night, he would take Mama and I on-board to his work site and we would wait in the car while he talks to the foremen and workers. I still remember, everytime he gets out of the car to meet his foremen, I would climb from the back seat to the front driver seat and pretend I was driving. Then I would always hold up an imaginary walkie-talkie and say out loud “Kampu, calling Kampu”. Mr Kampu was Papa’s head foreman, he has always been really friendly with me but although I can’t remember how he looked like. I can only remember a dark skinned man with bright shinning teeth, smiling at me and wearing a worker’s hat.

Papa is my hero. Since young, I’ve fallen into the hands of bullies. I’m not sure why this is the case, but it has made me much stronger today. The worst bully was when I was in Primary. There was this guy who was 4 years older and much taller than me. He would always look at me in his really small one-lined eyes as if to say “I will punch you!” And seriously, he was fast. He’s one of the fastest sprinters in our school. I remember a time when I accidentally slapped his face while he ran passed me, and when I realised it was him. I could feel my heart pounding 50x faster. I ran so fast, passed dozens of classes and to the nearest girl’s toilet. (Note: If your bully is a boy, get to the nearest girl’s toilet. It’s the safest, they shouldn’t go in) I waited for about 40 mins before I returned to my classes. Of course I was late, but it didn’t matter. Because I was still alive, and I can feel his rage building as the minutes passed. As baby as I was, I ran home and told Papa about my bully. Like a hero, he came the next day and told him off in front of all his friends! That was the best day of my life! LOL They were lots of other bullies that Papa rescued me from. Even in junior high, I was bully by not one, but a group of classmates. Now, I only feel pity for them because people who are scared of being intimidated by others, step over weaker ones to feel powerful.

Papa, the architect. This 4 years of doing my major in Interior Architecture has been a blessed challenge that I welcome with open heart. During this journey, I faced obstacles that only an experienced can guide me. Papa has always been here for me. They say, “not being here is tough, being in your heart is more than enough.” Very often, when I find difficulties in my many assignments. I can always consult Papa for his advise and suggestions. Yes, he may have given me a little too much information, but it is this that makes him Papa. Without these more than enough advise, the love from Papa would cease to exist. That is why when I think of the so-many-things he told me to make me understand the whats, hows, and whys. It is certain that he loves and cares for me, is why he’s doing what he’s doing.

So today I wish you a very Happy Birthday to you. Thank you for all the wonderful things you’ve taught me. Useful or not, these are the ways of life you’ve guided me to understand.

Papa, I love you.

Who You Are

A good friend :

1. sticks around when things get rough.
2. advises their honest opinions about anything quite shameful.
3. accepts you for who you are.
4. makes funny faces or noises at you at the traffic lights.
5. lends an ear when you need to whine or complain.
6. stays strong for you anytime.
7. enjoys your long company, welcomes it openly.
8. opens your fridge and helps themselves.
9. helps you deal with your parents.
10. watches out your struggles in life.
11. sings and talks aloud with you.
12. understands your alone time.
13. pokes you for fun during games.
14. connects well with good hints.
15. shares their ups and downs.
16. knows your to-talk or not-to-talk time.
17. reveals hopes for their future.
18. realises your habits and teases you regularly.
19. invites themselves to your house.
20. behaves as though they’re by themselves around you.

Live Now, Think Later

2012 is a very revealing prediction of the judgement day of mankind. Watching this movie, I feel the need to appreciate happiness of life right now. “Live now, think later” Seeing all the chaos that surrounds 2012, the mind of human should not be misjudged. Whether this is true or not, it is better to be safe than sorry.

Is the 20.12.12 Prophecy true?

MJ Is The LOVE

This Is It is on my “have to watch” list. MJ is Love to, he’s “the Star”, he’s a “father”, he’s a “brother”, he’s a “human” but because of some unwanted add-ons in his life, this story shall reveal to us how down-to-earth he was.

Christmas In November

Christmas comes early this year. Can’t wait to watch this up-version classic tale by Charles Dickens “A Christmas Carol”.

An Imaginarium for the Weekend

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. I found some really interesting posters for the film. Really like how they portray fantasy and showing how truth can trick someone into a dream land. Why aren’t they more movies like this? Tho it’s quite twisted and disturbing, I actually liked it. LOL